Outside
by WolfSpiritFlower
Summary: G1- After so long of failing at his goals, after so long of being Megatron's punching bag, Starscream can't take it anymore. The failure, the constant pain, he begins to wonder why he even exists. Can the Autobots save Starscream's broken mind before there's nothing left of him at all? (Warnings inside)
1. Chapter 1

_**This is written as a hope story. It may not seem like it, especially from the beginning of it, but this is written because I know that life is hard, and sometimes it feels like there's no point in living. There's no point in anything. But I want this to be a sort of beacon of hope, I want it to help anyone who reads it and feels like there's nothing to move forward towards.**_

 _ **Or maybe I'm just weird, and this is just a fanfic. Whatever floats your boat.**_

 _ **Continuum: G1**_

 _ **Rating: T**_

 _ **Warnings: Violence, abusive situations- particularly mental abuse, but lots of physical abuse too; self-harm, cutting, PTSD, and blood.**_

 _ **Genre: Hurt/Comfort/Drama**_

 _ **Summary: After so long of failing at his goals, after so long of being Megatron's punching bag, Starscream can't take it anymore. The failure, the constant pain, he begins to wonder why he even exists. Can the Autobots save Starscream's broken mind before there's nothing left of him at all?**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers, nor do I claim to own Transformers. If I did, there would be a lot more sad stuff.**_

* * *

''You are a fool, Starscream!'' Megatron shouted at him in a voice filled with contempt as his fist came in contact with the Seeker's arms, which were held up to defend his head.

''You fail every mission you are ever assigned, you disobey my every order, and no matter how much I punish you, no matter how much I put you within an inch of your life, you still think you can overthrow me? You are weak, Starscream, and you will never overthrow me!'' Megatron snarled, emphasizing every word with a punch. Starscream's arms had already been knocked away, and his face was getting brutally marred with each attack Megatron threw against him.

Starscream could hear the other Decepticons laughing at him as Megatron dealt out what he deemed as fitting punishment for his treacherous Second in Command. They mocked him, called him out as a coward, as a fool, an idiot…

Each word sunk like a knife in his pride, and he silently debunked each comment with a vile rebuttal, of which he dared not say aloud with Megatron in the process of almost killing him.

He whimpered when Megatron grabbed his wing, almost tearing it loose as he slung the Seeker across the room, letting him hit the wall with a painful thud. Skywarp and Thundercracker were looking at their trine leader sadly, but one glare from Megatron made them rethink any idea of assisting the arrogant Seeker. Megatron was breathing heavily, and he stood up to his full height as he looked at the rest of his troops.

''No one even think of aiding this disgrace of a Decepticon, and if I find out any of you have disobeyed my orders I will have your spark'' he said, giving a pointed glare at Skywarp and Thundercracker once again. Everyone who'd gathered nodded, not wanting to further anger their hot-tempered leader.

As everyone continued about what they were doing, Starscream was left there as per orders. His energon trickled out from cracks all across his frame, leaving him feeling drained and in an exhausted stupor. He knew a lot of time had passed, several hours seeing as the amount of people in the room he was in was beginning to diminish greatly, until the only one left in there was himself. When he realized he was alone, that was when it began. Oh, how he loathed himself for it. Megatron was right, of course.

'You are weak, Starscream!'

Yes, he was weak. That was only proven more when he began to fight back tears, angry at himself for failing yet again. What was this, the thousandth time he'd done so? More like the millionth.

One tear managed to break through, and then another. Another.

Before he could even reign them in again, tears began falling down his face like rain, acid rain that stung his optics and splashed gently on the floor, innocent in the fact they were spilt from years of pain. His frame shuddered, and he put his hands down on the floor as he attempted to push himself up. It was a painful process, the movement reopening the wounds that had finally clotted. He hissed as he began to lose more energon than he already had. Once he had his feet underneath him once more, he swayed dizzily, optics rebooting quickly as they'd shut down for a second from the sudden rush of energon within his body. He lifted his hands to his head, gently rubbing his temples in a poor attempt to stop the throbbing ache he'd gotten from standing up, on top of the countless dents and cracks he had from where Megatron's fist had impacted. He moved away from the wall he was against slowly, walking sluggishly as energon splattered the floor. It was devastating to his body, and his mind. He slammed into countless walls, unable to coordinate himself or keep his balance. He reached his goal at last, deep within the bowels of their base. It was a small storage closet, but he kept various things in there, mostly of which were medical tools. Patching himself up sloppily, he pulled his legs up to his chest as tears streaked down his face once more.

'You'll never be worth anything, you fool'

'Why do keep trying, Screamer? You're such an idiot'

'If you keep on doing this, I'm not even going to bother helping you. It's your own damn fault you even get in this shape, so maybe I should just leave you like that!'

They were right, and he loathed it immensely. They were always right, and he was always the only one wrong. Even if he wasn't the cause of something, he was the one who was undoubtedly blamed for it.

He always told himself he would prove them wrong eventually, but as he sat there now, trying to bring up that courage he always seemed to be able to summon, he found himself coming up short this time. Was there no more within him? Had he finally drained himself dry of all the courage he had left? He blinked tears away as he looked at his sloppy patchwork repair, and he felt a certain kind of emptiness come over him. This was his fate it would seem, to forever be lost and forgotten, just dust in the wind until further needed.

He couldn't take much more of this.


	2. Chapter 2

**_Thank you all dearly for your reviews, and by suggestion I have upped the rating to M. Also, just as a side not,_**

 _/ the slashes followed by italic words means they're talking on comm.\_

* * *

Skywarp and Thundercracker noticed something a bit off with their trine leader the next day. It was a subtle change, but it was definitely noticeable. They weren't exactly sure what it was that was wrong though, which only concerned them more. They were on their energon break at the moment, so they decided to approach and question their typically loud trinemate. Skywarp walked over to him first, grinning at Starscream.  
"Hey Starscream! What's going on?'' he asked, simply enough. Starscream looked at him, his face portraying irritation at being spoken to, but Skywarp noticed that his crimson optics belied his expression. They showed something he couldn't quite place. The closest Skywarp could guess to describing it would be lost and apathetic.

"Nothing of importance'' Starscream responded at last, looking at him and then Thundercracker, who'd eased closer while Skywarp had been performing his short analysis.

Skywarp blinked at the bluntness of Starscream's tone. While it was true he usually sounded irate, the way Starscream had spoken left no room for argument, and when Starscream was positive that neither of his trinemates were going to question him again, he nodded in satisfaction. They didn't need to know what he was thinking about.

After all, they were the only ones who didn't look at him like he was a freak, or a failure. He didn't need or _want_ them to start now. They were all he had left, and he would hold onto them with all he had. Even if it took a few mistruths here and there to keep them near, he would tell a thousand if he must.

Skywarp tilted his head curiously at their trine leader, wanting to say something else, wanting to ask so many questions, but Starscream spun around and stalked away briskly. Skywarp turned to Thundercracker, who looked just as shocked. Thundercracker just lifted his shoulder lightly in response, not sure what else to do besides that. Both Seekers wanted to reach out and find out what was troubling Starscream, but it would seem that could only happen if their fellow flier opened up to them on his own.

* * *

Starscream was walking through the hallways idly, not having a mission at that very moment. Most likely because Megatron did not have enough faith in him to send him out again. As if it was _truly_ Starscream's fault that Megatron always had plans that weren't even reasonable most of the time. When Megatron did, in fact, have reasonable plans, Starscream was always assigned to do tasks he simply wasn't meant for. And not just him, but something Seekers as a whole are not meant for. It was one of the things that Megatron never seemed to get through that thick head of his, was that somethings Seekers just _can't_ do, and if attempted they will fail simply because they _can't_ do it.

He paused in his walking, stopping to listen to his surroundings. It was an unfortunate trait, but he'd developed a sense of paranoia as time had progressed. After all, living almost your entire life getting beaten into the ground and talked down on, it would be bound to happen eventually. It was a trait he hid well, _very_ well in fact, underneath a solid layer of arrogant confidence. He had enjoyed considering it his shield, but now it was beginning to wear down. And once his shield shattered, he would be completely vulnerable… No, he couldn't let that happen. Not if he wanted to keep what little respect he had from his fellow Decepticons.

 _What? You believe that there are still some that have any respect at all for you? You're an idiot, no one here likes you!_ He thought to himself, smirking wryly. Ah yes, his inner conscience. How lovely for it to join the chaos that he called a mind. It was true, of course, but that didn't mean he had to enjoy the company he offered himself.

 _Ha! Not even_ you _like yourself! You can't stand the fact I'm right, and the sad thing is that I'm you..._

As if he _chose_ to be a failure, that's definitely what he'd had in mind when he joined the Decepticons. It would seem that a failure is all he is now though, everyone else believed it. Maybe it was just time for him to accept it and move on. He'd never be anything that mattered. He was quite certain the only reason that Thundercracker and Skywarp had stood by him as long as they had was because they pitied him. As much as he hated the thought of it, it was true. It _had_ to be true, why else would they stick with him when no one else had? It was pitiful, he himself was pitiful. His heart grew heavier the more he thought of such things.

He shook his head. He needed to stop this madness he was thinking, he was Starscream! He was the best flier Cybertron and Earth had ever seen, Megatron's Second in Command! He was not worthy of other's pity, or their disrespect.

 _Who are you trying to convince of that? Not even you yourself believe it._

He silently begged his self conscience to stop torturing him, it was horrible the thoughts that cycled through his mind. They hadn't originally been that prominent, but over time they'd gotten stronger until now...he just didn't have the energy to try and forcibly block them out of his head anymore. They ran rampant, like wild beasts bent on tearing him apart slowly, agonizingly. Sometimes, they were subtle, worming their way into his mind at the most unexpected moments. Other times, they were outright violent, tearing into him horribly.

If only Megatron wasn't there, the thoughts would stop. If he could just succeed, even if by a hair, he'd be released from his own train of thought, surely.

 _Do you really think so? I'm sure there are plenty of things to find to keep them alive forever._

He growled in frustration, then paused again. He strained to hear anything, but nothing other than the echoing sound of his own footfalls followed him.

There had to be something he could do to distract his mind, even if it was something small. He'd be willing to do anything at the moment.

When the answer came to him, it seemed so blindingly obvious that he was startled the solution hadn't arrived sooner in his mind. Opening a small comm frequency with his trinemates, he told them he'd be back soon.

/ _I'm going to go on a quick flight, I shall be back sometime soon.\_

With that, he took off at a brisk run and left the base as fast as he could. He wouldn't stand for his own thoughts anymore.

Whisking through the air, he was given a gentle relieve from the pressing thoughts that so often weighed on him.

Oh, how he longed to simply be the wind itself, free to go as he pleased, never taking orders from anyone...

Maybe someday he would be, but for now he was content just to fly.


End file.
